So much has happened....

The last several months have pretty much been a nightmare. I wrote about it on my regular life blog [here] a month ago. Lets just say that it hasn't gotten better since then.

I went to the doctor again on Monday and now she wants to check and see if I have endometriosis as well. The problem is, the only way to diagnose endo is through laparoscopic surgery. According to the surgery scheduler at my doctor's office this is a surgery that is going to cost "way over $3000" ($3k being used as the example since that is how much share-of-cost medicaid's share-of-cost would potentially be if I had it). With all the costs considered I'm expecting it to be somewhere between $10-30K depending on if I have to stay over night and how long the surgery takes. This is of course a huge problem since I have been out of work for months and won't be going to school this semester, thus cutting our income by over half.


The good news is if I do have endo, the surgery will turn from exploratory to.... the other term that I can't remember. That way the surgery won't only be used to diagnose me but also to clean the endo out. I also plan to let my doctor know that depending on how bad it is, and whether it looks like my infertility will be even worse (due to tube blocking or scaring), to go ahead and perform a hysterectomy while she's in there. It pains me deeply to think of that happening, but I just don't see the point in keeping my reproductive organs if I wouldn't even be able to use them to reproduce. Having them in there now is basically disabling me, so keeping them is like giving up my life now for some teensy tiny hope of biological children in the future. Even if they clean the endo out entirely it will reoccur in as little as one year which just means more pain and more surgeries. 


If I don't have endo then I don't know what the next step is. I suppose just continuing on the way we are until I give up and ask for a hysterectomy or get to a place financially where we can TTC. For many reasons including this my DH has decided to drop down to half time at school (and those classes online) so he can peruse a full time job. We are also looking into other roommate opportunities but it seems that would likely cause us to move. We don't really know where we're going right now and it just sucks.


As far as my weight goes, I've apparently lost 23 pounds since I went to the doctor three months ago. I had pretty much given up on my weight before that because we just can't afford to have the kind of diet I need so I was back up to 195. Now I'm at 172, which means I am just "overweight" and not "obese"! The weird thing is I can't even tell. I actually expected to be told I was over 200 since I feel so bloated and my clothes fit worse than they did. I pretty much live in my nighties at home, and leggings if I go out, since my other pants are now uncomfortable. Hopefully this surgery will reduce some of the bloating and I will actually be able to tell I've lost weight lol.

A Surprising Diagnosis

As I was sitting there in the stirrups in my OBGYN's office, I heard her say something I didn't think I would ever hear:

"You're endometrial lining is too thin."

Apparently, unlike normal, I haven't had AF show simply because there is nothing there to shed. She said this could be because it has been less than a year since my last Depo shot. If it doesn't start growing normally by July we can look into why.

She again confirmed the small cysts that are the tell-tale sign of PCOS. Yippee.

I'm to take Provera for the next 13 days, but I may or may not bleed afterwards. If I don't get my period in the 45 days after I finish my provera I am to call and get a new prescription.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is exciting!

So as I said in my last post, I got Taking Charge of Your Fertility for Christmas. I've already read like 4 chapters of it haha. And I've learned a lot! I got set up on the website for the free tracking thing, and inputted the information I could from monthlyinfo.com. I tried to check my cervical fluid and position, but I'm not really sure what I'm looking for yet. I'm hoping they will go into a bit more detail in future chapters, but even if they don't I'm sure I will learn what is normal for me with time. I'm going to probably get my basal thermometer tomorrow.

The only issue is right now I get up at drastically different times and you are supposed to take your temperature near the same time everyday. In the weeks to come that should change though.

"There's nothing else we can do"

Those have to be the hardest words to hear from your doctor. I do feel lucky that at least I'm hearing it about a condition that isn't fatal or anything.

My androgens are high. *Gasp*, right? According to my endocrinologist the only thing they can do to help is put me back on hormonal birth control. I'm on Metformin already, which should help some. I explained how I've had bad experiences with every HBC I've been on and he suggested an IUD. Because I've totally got enough money lying around to purchase an IUD in hope that it will work and not cause even more problems. Since I didn't want to do that, he just made me a new appointment for 6 months from now. I need to get more blood work done before then to see if there are any changes (but I only have to check the androgens rather than EVERYTHING like last time).

I guess I was just hoping for more than that.

Tomorrow I have to call and make an appointment with my gynecologist since I am now on day 125 since my last period. I'm sure I'm just going to hear the HBC spiel from her too. I really hope that she'll give me some provera and it will actually work on the first cycle. Last time it took two.

For Christmas I got Taking Charge of Your Fertility, but I just started reading it today. I need to get one of the thermometers still. I'm hoping that it will help reduce some of the anxiety I feel over getting/not getting my period. I should have a better idea of whether I will be getting it or not once I've got the system down so I won't be as paranoid. And I will be able to tell for certain whether I've ovulated or not, which is kind of exciting.

A shopping win

Like I've mentioned on my other blog, I'm on some sort of mailing list for JC Penny. Twice a year or so they send me a coupon for $10 off an item $10 or more. I got one a few weeks ago and decided to use it to get a new pair of jeans for our cruise, since my favorite pair got a hole in them. =(

But i'm proud to say that I was able to get a nice pair of jeans, in size 14! This is the first time I haven't had to get a 16 in quite a while. They're stretchy, so I might have even been able to get a tight 12. However i'm glad I didn't, because after 5 days of ice cream cones and "warm chocolate melting cake", they are a little tighter than when I left lol.

But this just proves that even if I'm not seeing it on the scale, I'm doing better than I was. I've just got to keep working on it.

Me wearing my new jeans, with my husby, at the ruins of Tulum. Not the best picture to see how much I weight though, because of the shirt. Oh well.

I started out so strong.

But don't we always? No one starts out only giving 50%. No one starts out hitting a wall. And that's exactly where I am. I feel like a noob who don't know how to autorun.

I've been hovering between 175 and 185 since well, the last time I updated this, whenever that was. My next deadline is Monday, and I should be at 175 by then... but I might not be, at least not consistency. I also haven't had a real period since the end of August. I did everything I could think of (shy of taking provera) to induce one, and I did bleed a little bit, but I really can't count that. According to my tracker I'm on day 107. =/

Some of this is my fault, and I'll own up to it. I haven't taken my meds as religiously as I should ever since starting the extended release. I'm supposed to take it with dinner, but I don't always eat dinner at the same time or place. I often forget to bring it with me/take it if we are at a friend's or we go out to eat. I've tried to be better at it though.

I've also been quite stressed, and I know I gain weight while stressed. My body assumes the stress is due to drought, or floods, or being stuck on an island without the help of DHARMA or Mary Ann to make me banana cream pies. Stupid metabolism. :(

I go back to the doctor at the end of the month. Hopefully they can help me move past this.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My poor mother...

My mother, at the age of 43, will be having a hysterectomy next week because reproductive organs and my family do not get along. She's having it done the day after we leave for our cruise, which means I probably won't get to find out how it went until we get back. Because of her age she's going to need hormone replacement therapy.

I have been a very bad girl...

because I haven't updated in forever!

I'm not sure what an accurate weight for me is right now, as it's been fluctuating a lot. One day it will say like 176, the next 180, but it hasn't been over 180 for a while which still translates to me losing something. I know I need a new picture for that milestone, I've just been too lazy to take one. XD

I finally heard back from the doctor about the $580 worth of blood work I had done. You'll never believe it, but my male hormone levels are high! *is shocked* I won't get a real detailed account of my results until I go back at the end of December.

He also switched me to the extended release Metformin since the regular ones have been making me nauseous. I haven't tried them yet though because I've been too busy to run by the pharmacy and get them.

According to my tracker AF is almost a week late, so at the moment I'm researching ways to induce it. Waiting more days/weeks/months for it to show up on its own causes too much anxiety. If you have any suggestions, feel free to share!

What week am I on again? I hear a bad memory is another symptom of PCOS.

Since today is Monday I weighed myself this morning and am now 181. I've noticed that I'm not loosing nearly as much as I used to, but that's not really a bad thing. Losing two pounds a week is actually really healthy. I feel like I'm about to plateau. I hope I don't for another monthish because then I think I can combat it with exercise. Right now it's still too hot and too humid, but once fall rolls in I'll actually be in the mood to be outside more than 2 minutes. We plan to start going for nightly walks together along with our other stuff. I'm hoping that change will get me over the wall once I hit it.

And anyway, even if I only lose an average of one pound a week between now and my cruise, I would still be way ahead of schedule. In fact, that would put me right around my goal for May! So I really can't complain much unless I just stop losing at all.

My pants seem a little looser but not as much as I would expect. I wonder if I could be losing boob weight? It's certainly not a bad thing if I am, Lord knows my back could use a break lol. Ideally of course I would be losing both boob and tummy weight though. Think I might take a new picture tomorrow even though I'm one pound early. Would rather do that then take it at a few pounds under.